By Ben Hommrich

SANTA FE, Nm. – Scientists from the Sierra Mist™ Marine Biology Refreshment Institute have published a shocking study showing that six-pack rings are the necklace of choice for endangered sea turtles. Previously, scientists believed that these sleek plastic rings were a dangerous pollutant that caused serious harm to marine life. But science has shown that this could not be further from the truth.

 The study followed 20 sea turtles in the Gatorade™ Marine Rehabilitation Center’s artificial ocean environment. The subjects were showered in an array of delightful trinkets, including six-pack rings, delicious microplastics, and an entire barrel of crude oil. As a consolation for not receiving these gifts, the control group was rewarded with unlimited Pepsi.

 The results of this study demonstrate that we have a lot to learn about the communication behaviors of sea turtles. When the subjects were first trying on their new necklaces, some began to shake in a way that could make an untrained observer believe they are choking. But a few minutes later, the turtles significantly slowed their swim speeds, proving that the plastic rings were a calming presence.

 Beverly Watkins, a Lemon-Lime Liaison from the Sierra Mist™ Institute, believes that this study marks the beginning of an entirely new paradigm in marine conservation.

 “While I commend environmentalists for their Misty-licious commitment to the sea turtles, it has become abundantly clear that they have been going about this the wrong way. Conservation leaders like PepsiCo, who we are legally and financially separate from, provide marine life with the enrichment they need to live out their pathetic underwater lives.”

 Critics are very eager to cherry-pick the five turtles that died in the experimental group of this study, but Watkins says that the science points to a very clear conclusion.

 “The most impactful difference between the two groups in the experiment was clearly not the plastic waste. As we showed in the study, plastic waste is beloved by turtles of all ages. The only remaining difference, of course, is the Pepsi. The implication of this is clear. Sea turtles are invigorated by the refreshing taste of Pepsi.”

 When we reached out to PepsiCo for comment, they sent back a limited edition 5 pack of Pepsi, with the extra can being donated to sea turtles in need.