In Progress Odin demands blood! Let us kickstart Ragnarok together [Crusader Kings 2: Old Gods LP]

[Ulminati]

It is 867.


Throughout Europe, new religions are beginning to take hold. They offer increased emotional engagement, high-definition paintings in the temples of worship and streamlined remission of sins without the use of human sacrifice. But one man stands against the decline of Bibles and Qurans.

It is time to kickstart Ragnarok.

Spoiler

Behold!
Underlord of the Kodex Kool Klan!

Through his shrewd application of cunning brutality and brutal cunning, he has united all the villages of Jylland under his banner. All able-bodied strong men have been called to Jelling to hear him speak of the visions imparted to him by Hugin and Munin. "ITZ coming!", he says! It is our sacred duty to prepare the world for Ragnarok. Some are moved by his prophetic words. Most agree he's stark raving mad. But they know the consequence of dissent is to be locked up in the dungeons of Watchwitz, so they hold their tongues.

First order of business is getting some heirs in the not-entirely-unlikely event that Underlord gets himself killed in a stupid manner. This has become slightly trickier in The Old Gods, as all pagan religions now count as seperate religions. And they're not terribly interested in sending their daughters off to heathens. This has shrunk the Norse dating pool considerably. There are no nubile geniuses available to us and the only woman with the Quick trait is 65 years old and unlikely to provide Underlord with moderators for Codexia. After shopping around for a while, he settles on a lowborn woman with decent scores and a Strong trait. Hopefully it stays in the bloodline.

No money is collected for the wedding because, frankly, Underlord is going to need all the prestige he can get to offset the loss he just incurred by marrying for love bigger numbers.

Freya appeased for the time being, Underlord sacrifices a couple of thralls to Tyr and gathers his Legion of Retardo. Ragnarok waits for no man, and the sons of Codexia will give their tithe to the armies of Asgard. He is somewhat undecided where to send them until:

"Oh, how considerate." thinks Underlord. The weakling Christ-men of the isle of Brittania volunteered for my latest Feedback amusement.

Cornwall is the first province to feel the wrath of Underlord. It has the perfect blend of somewhat wealthy coastal provinces and a pitiful army that won't upset our plans to pillage the holdings. They mobilize their armies quickly, but a preemptive attack allows the Legion of Retardo to utterly demolish them while they still suffer the temporary morale penalty of merging two or more retinues together.

Underlord walks upon Brittania, and the christ-men tremble at the sound of his footsteps!

As their churches burn, Underlord updated his journal.

At the news of the bloodshed, Gunnhildr grows so horny she spontaneously conceives Underlords child. Noone seems to wonder how she managed this sitting in Jylland while Underlord is in Cornwall.


As the Legion of Retardo returns to the shores of Jylland, they bring news of happenings in the rest of the known world. The Byzantine Empire is so impressed with tales of Underlords manliness they decided to offer jewgoldz to the sons of Odin. They kickstart the Brotherhood of Bros. Meanwhile, the Magyar have found what they clame to be the home of blessed Potato and settled down.

Among the plunder was a book, bound in hide of unknown origin. It was cold to the touch and the title "Necronomnomnomicon" was written on the cover in red ink.

"Perhaps I've treated Andyman too harshly" said Underlord to noone in paticular. His Final Fantasy was amusing. I think I will let him moderate the Playground. The servans nodded and smiled uneasily. Experience had taught them it was best to keep a low profile when Underlord got one of his fey moods.

Though it took the better part of 9 months, Gunnhildr finally took Underlords advice to "stop being fat like a lazy Kwanzanian". Properly chastised, she went and got him a son to apologize for being too tired for bedroom gymnastics for so long.

"The Shitposters", thought Underlord, "they're the ones who ruin the master plan for Ragnarok". They could be anywhere! they could be anyone! They have more guises than Loki himself! I must find a way to keep them confined and out of our prestigious longboats or all will be doomed!

Will Ragnarok come to pass in accordance with the prophecies? Will there be a final solution to shitposting? Will Andyman improve our diplomatic relations with the king of Norway?

Will this LP be abandoned by page 3?

Time will tell!

 

[Absalom]

Course, you could always LARP abandoning the LP as the advent of Ragnarok itself

 

[Merkwürdigliebe]

This thread is relevant to my interests.

 

[Ulminati]

There cannot be two skies!

Spoiler

The raiding continues. Once again, the Legion of Retardo is swift to engage the retinues of the weakling Christ-men before they can combine their forces. The bloodshed is swiftly over and everyone settles down for the long wait outside the castles.

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you! Unfortunately, the shitposter escapes to Watchwitz before he is captured. Staff is informed to be on the lookout for suspicious new courtiers who follow known patterns of DISCUSS!

Sieges are long and boring. So to pass the time, Underlord decides to call a great Blot. The captured priests of the pitiful crucified god are hung from the trees outside the castle walls. It is generally agreed that Underlords trolling of the christians is "hilarious".

Once again, Gunnhildr has the courtesy to grow fat and undesirable while Underlord is overseas and won't have to hold the door for her as she waddles around. He thinks she's a right Bro for being so considerate.

Meanwhile, Taluntain claims Codexia will need better infrastructure to meet the traffic generated by its inhabitants. Underlord tells him to suck it up, 'cause roads are expensive and noone seems to bother giving us money to pay for better roads.

Gunnhildr shits out another staff member. She keeps moving his cradle around the castle for no apparent reason. Some servants wonder aloud if this might affect him later in life.

"So how much would you be willing to pay to have advertising removed from outside your temples?"

Odin is not amused by this.

The Legion of Retardo is still sitting outside the christ-men's castles, so Underlord passes time by tormenting his favourite shitposters.

And once again, his wife conceives a child without him having to go through the tedious routine of being home and fucking her. Noone has found this suspicious yet.

By now, Underlord can recite the majority of The Necronomnomnomicon in his sleep. He is sometimes caught giggling madly or shying away from the corners of rooms while claiming the angles of the walls have unwholesome geometries. This is fairly standard behaviour from Underlord though. His men have long since learnt to ignore his ramblings.

Eventually the bacon runs low and Underlord reluctantly sails home. The longboats lay low in the waterline, laden with riches plundered from temples of the false god. It is time to unify the faithful...

The petty kingdom of Sjælland has rughly 3 times our men. But with the riches underlord has amassed, he can afford to splurge on mercenaries.
Axes are sharpened. Thralls are offered up to Tyr and Odin. The strong shall Prosper and the weak shall be forgotten.

Sjælland did have quite a bit of gold in their war chest. But gold will do them no good when there are no mercenaries left for them to hire. Buy the time the longboats are spotted in the fjord of Roskilde, every Lithaunian hitman able to carry a spear is already in the employ of Codexia.

Underlord is relieved when his latest child turns out to lack a penis. That makes one less troublemaker to squabble over his titles once he kicks the bucket. Mental note to self: Do something about Gavelkind.

With the aid of the Lithaunian Hitmen, the battle for dominion of Denmark is swift and decisive.

After paying off the hitmen, Underlord is left without enough donations in the slush fund to upgrade Codexia to a full kingdom. But by now, the british should've rebuilt their temples and stocked them with shiny trinkets we can steal and melt down.

Will the british expect a second coming of Codexia?

Will Gunnhildr finally shit out a baby that inherits a useful trait?

Will memorizing the entirety of the Necronomnomnomicon come back to bite Underlord in the ass?


DISCUSS!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Fiction imitates life.

 

[Azira]

I'll follow this, though I doubt it'll be completed.

 

[Ulminati]

Valhalla in Midgaard

Spoiler

Some uppity proto-Swede is discontent with how things are going. Too bad for him his spymaster likes Underlord better than him.

The Legion of Retardo is assembled once again. The Codex needs a gold-plated toilet before it'll count as a proper kingdom.

Taluntain enters into the spirit of the whole thing, vowing to give up frankenwheat for good. Underlord suspects he's just doing this because he's desperate for attention.

The Legion of Retardo is only a few weeks into its raiding when the despicable proto-swede stabs his benevolent overlords in the back.

His pitiful army is too small to siege our holdings at any speed however. So he is ignored for now.

Not for the first time, Underlord regrets not retaining some of those Lithaunian hitmen in his employ.

Meanwhile in England, the loot piles up.

Eventually Underlord grows tired of his wifes incessant nagging about those filthy peasants squatting on the palace lawn. The Legion returns and meets the proto-swedes on the field of glory on Fyn - a small island whose main purpose is to be in the way when danes want to travel to parts of Denmark that are actually interesting. One-sided does not even begin to describe the battle.

The rebellion is crushed under Underlords iron-shod boots and another title is claimed by the house of Codex.

Underlord is distraught to learn that Taluntain does not enter into the whole spirit of being an angry berserker. He tries to beat some of Thors wrath into his progeny with little success.

Once again the longboats set sail for the British isles. There are plenty of small, wealthy countries along the coast of the Irish sea. Well, wealthy for a short while longer at least.

God damn shitposters. It's crap like this that proves Underlord isn't insane or paranoid at all.

Jaesun is butthurt because his elder brother told him he couldn't move the castle to Valhalla. Underlord follows the "Beat them Better" school of thought.

It never fails. Underlord sails off to England and his wife gets pregnant again.





Remember that Necronomnomnomicon Underlord memorized?

Ia! Ia! Hopw Roewur Ne!

Wait a second! This isn't Jormugandir! And it doesn't seem like it wants to be unde rour control!

Underlord the Godslayer sounds pretty awesome. For some inexplicable reason everyone around him seems to dismiss his heroic deeds as "another of his prosperian hallucinations".

Word reaches Underlord that his wife finally got over her latest spell of being fat. He takes this as his cue to stop stalling in england and assaults the castle they were sieging.

This in turn prompts the christmen to send an army that was hiding 2 provinces away after us. Sandwiched between the castle and the army, losses quickly accrue.

The Legion of Retardo barely manages to defeat the enemy and sack the castle. (There was like 2% left in our army morale when the castle fell). Then as they return to their longboats, another army jumps them.

Out of 2500 raiders, 386 live to see the shores of Jylland again. Odin has recieved his tithe for the armies of Asgard and then some this day.

Nonetheless, the raiding paid off handsomely. Underlord celebrates by upgrading the castle walls and styling himself king of Denmark. Now to figure out how to make the realm NOT crumble into idiocy once gavelkind rears its ugly head.

Will Underlord live long enough to reform the Norse faith?

Will he be forced to kill his children or piss off the local clergy by sending them off to run temples?

Will he die before a consolidated succession is secured, dooming Denmark to decline into dumbfuckery as his offspring squabbles over his titles?

Tune in next time. Same Bat-thread. Same Bat-shit-insane ruler.

 

[tindrli]

at least you have a real feminine wife.. i just remembered a last LP. our codexian bro had a man for his wife i could swear it was man :D

 

[Stabwound]

I thought this was going to be an LP of the old PC game Ragnarok.

 

[Helly]

I hoped this was going to be an LP of Ragnarok Online

Spoiler

 

[Ulminati]

The Word of Odin

Spoiler

Having formed a kingdom of his own, Underlord decides it's time to ensure the stability of the realm. Since his wife seems to be crapping out a worrysome amount of heirs, Gavelkind is going to lead to all his hard-won clay being split amongst bickering progeny. The only way to be rid of Gavelkind is reformation of the Norse faith. But that requires several things before it is possible.

First, Underlord must control at least three of our five holy sites. He currently controls one on Sjælland. The other four are the temples of Naumedal and Uppsala to the north and Tholen and Padrborg to the south. It also requires the moral authority of the Norse faith to be high. And last but definitely not least, Underlord must invest a whooping 750 piety to be accepted as the Fylkir of the reformed Norse religion. A tall order, but not insurmountable if he gets to work right away.

Tholen and Padrborg are both parts of the kingfrom of West Francia at the moment. And there's frankly no way the Legion of Retardo is going to survive going toe to toe with their armies at the moment. So chancellor Rögnvaldr is sent to fabricate claims on Naumedal and Uppsala. Since they're fellow vikings, we cannot use or normal subjugation/conquest casus belli.

Speaking of subjugation. They're basically small-scale holy wars that net a respectable amount of piety. And Underlord is going to need all the fucking piety he can lay his clammy hands on to offset years of antagonising the clergy for lulz. The target of the subjugation does not influence the piety gained. So in the interest of saving time, Underlord picks the smallets, weakest nearby neighbour and sends him a letter.


"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I like the colour of your clay
So now I'll come and kill you"
-- Underlord

Denmark is Awesome. This is indisputable.
Not only are they the most handsome of all the Norse people. Their core territories are rich and decently developed. But most important of all, all their provinces are coastal and they have a gigantic fleet. This means they can immediately embark all of their levies and gather their army anywhere they want in a matter of days. Underlord beats the Germans to inventing the Blitzkrieg by 1052 years as every angry Dane descends upon Pomerania mere minutes after they receive the letter informing them that they are fucked.

Meanwhile, Jaesun has heard that priests get to hang around nubile little boys all day. For some reason this concept seems to fascinate him to no end. By now, Underlord has pretty much decided that Taluntain is the most worthy of his progeny, so he's not overly worried about this turn of events. In fact, he begins to formulate a plan to ensure the realm remains undivided in the event his journey to Asgard comes before his grand plans to name himself the Überbro of Norsca.

The rape of Pomerania was swift and inevitable. The terrifyingly swift advance of troops in highly mobile transports is forever etched into the racial memory of proto-Germany.

Speaking of Taluntain. He's turning out pretty well so far through the application of frequent, violent beatings.

Another good way to demonstrate you're a pious and good norseman is through human sacrifice. Since the dungeon is beginning to get a little cramped, a great Blot is called.

It is generally agreed that Underlords party was the best party of 882.






Unlike the single-county minors he's been picking on so far, the nations of Ostlandet and SviÞjod actually have armies to defend themselves with. This means the war chest needs filling before the claims on Uppsala and Naumedal can be pressed. Time to visit the buffet table of Brittania for rape and pillage.

England is begining to coalesce out of the minor counties that littered the isle last time Underlord visited. This is worrysome as a united England will have considerable armies and a grudge against viking pillagers. Killing and getting killed in the process of bringing righteous rape to weakling christ-men is all well and good. (And Freya knows, the british need all the help they gan get with improving their gene pool). But it's not terribly profitable. Good thing then that Ireland is made up entirely out of wealthy, christian, small, coastal counties. Underlord decides he should visit them all!

That uppity petty king is at it again. Underlords army is off raiding and he has no legetimite claim on the counties in Sjælland at the moment, so he can't do anything about this just yet. But the slight will not be forgotten.

Some day, Sigurdr. Some day....

Speaking of raiding. Gunnhildr uses Underlords absence to get pregnant once again. Tales spread far and wide about Underlords manliness. Few men are so virile they can reliably impregnate their wives from across the ocean.

Speaking of impregnation, the Legion of Retardo has visited cultural enrichment upon about two thirds of Ireland by now.

Taluntain continues to impress Underlord. He's a firm believer in the "snake bites are awesome!" school of parenting.

Gunnhildr is at it again!

Taluntain finally comes of age. He turns out to have inherited all of Underlords angre and hatred. He is the perfect son!
He is quickly set up with a strong wife and instructed to produce sons for the realm.

Underlord decides it's time to end the raiding before the palace runs out of bedrooms. The latest addition to the family tree is some inconseqential bargaining chip that'll be married off to some old dude for gold and/or prestige.

Remember when the Republic DLC was released and everyone complained that republics had it too easy when it came to amassing wealth?

Paradox are not learning animals.

Ireland was kind enough to fund the next couple of wars.
While Ostlandet and SviÞjod have comparative but slightly smaller armies, the war chest is bursting at the seams for Denmark. Underlord calls for his old friends, the Lithaunian Hitmen...

....But first he has to pull Taluntain aside and have some fatherly words. He specifically instructed him to produce grandsons. Men are needed to lead. Women are only needed to breed.

Content that the message has gotten through to his son, Underlord joins the Legion of Retardo and the Lithaunian hitBROs in burning Ostlandet to the ground.

The Norwegians soon realize resistance is futile. Naumedal is ours! Two down, one to go!







Underlord decides to celebrate his imminent holiness by commissioning a rune stone that will impart his infinite wisdom to future generations and remind the world what kind of mettle it took to forge a legend.

Bear witness to the Word of Hopw. Live long and Prosper!


Underlord is extremely pleased with how the runestone turned out. His vassals eye each other uneasily, not entirely sure what to say.













That over with, it is time to indulge in the traditional Danish past-time of wrecking as much of Sweden as possible. The legions of Lithaunian hitmen are providing a steady drain on the coffers.

Taluntain still doesn't get it. FFS.

Some guy approaches Underlord, desperately seeking his approval. While he looks at bit like Taluntain, the heir to Midgaard, there are subtle differences.

"I'm Jaesun, father! You have other children besides that spoiled brat Taluntain, you know!"

"Do I now?"

"Yes! And we're entitled to inherit as well!"

"'k."

And thus is came to pass that Jaesun learned not to ask Underlord for favours. Actually, considering his new position involves being around nubile young boys all day, it is not entirely impossible that this was what Jaesun was hoping for all along.

Worst Swede eventually capitulates in the face of overwhelming numbers

Ingemar - whose shit we wrecked to get Naumedal - lets us know that there are no hard feelings between scandinavian BROs.

And since it'd be a shame to waste all these perfectly good mercenaries he hired, Underlord decides to declare war on some minor slavic country.

Meet Taluntain.

Taluntain is awesome.

His sole flaw is a tendency to father daughters instead of sons.

His intrigue is also kind of shit. But his wife is an elusive shadow. So once he takes over, she should keep him away from exploding manure pits.


He has three brothers, who are of no consequence. In fact, everything would be better if they were out of the picture entirely, just in case. Underlord isn't getting any younger. Getting 200 additional piety before he travels to Valhalla is by no means guaranteed. Jaesun is already given away to the temple. So he's dealt with.

Jason is outfitted with the traditional Danish headgear of religious tolerance and sent off to Greifswald.

Meanwhile, JarlFrank is granted control of the independant city of Rostock in the hope he will eventually found a republic and bring wealth to our waters.








Anyway. Let's look beyond our borders for a moment.
The world: Anno 890

Of the Norse nations, Denmark is currently second to none. House Ylving is still fighting to consolidate and form Norway. Sweden nearly managed to form a kingdom, but our recent raping and pillaging of SviÞjod devestated their armies and oppertunistic nobles siezed on the chance to revolt.
Meanwhile in Brittania, the kingdom of Jorvik still stands. They are living on borrowed time however, as the catholics are consolidating their nations in the south. Scotland is currently in civil war. Several of their counties are partially or completely Norse. If a norse ruler comes out on top in this war, there is a good chance they could ally with Jorvik and hold their own.

Ireland is currently being pillaged by Underlord yet again. As long as the Irish bicker amongst themselves, we will keep cashing in on their vulnerability every 10-15 years or so.

To the south, several strong catholic nations are beginning to form. This is a worrysome development. Not only are they too strong to be profitable to raid. There is a very real possiblity that a Holy Roman Empire will form and look north for oppertunities to crusade. Our seers inform us that our best course of action will be to kill off as many christ-men as possible and burn their churches. This will lower the moral authority of Catholicism; increase the spread of heresies and keep them divited anf fighting amongst themselves.

The slavic peoples are still divided and vulnerable. But they're also too poor to make for interesting targets just yet.

Somewhere far to the south, rumors abound of a people whose tainted souls colour their skin black. These "Moo-slimes" are reputedly forming vast empires to fuel the carnal desires of their mad prophets. But there is no way to verify the truth of these stories, as the sons of Odin have their eyes firmly pointed towards the coasts of the North.








Bee keeps babbling about how (A)wesome the people of the "Far East" are.

So Underlord goes '"k" and sets her up with the boy-king of Vestergautland. Bee is inexplicably upset about this. Vestergautland is east of Ribe, isn't it?

The troublesome jarl Sigurdr still hasn't given up on his ambitions to usurp the kingdom of Denmark from Codexia.




With most of his children sent off to the temples, Underlord turns to the last bumdle of dissapointment his wife shat out before menopause finally set in. Being bored and having no other sources of entertainment, he hides her Josh Sawyer safety blanket for lulz.

He is delighted to see she channels her butthurt into something reasonably productive.

Another great Blot is called. One of the advantages of burning down churches all across ireland is a plentiful supply of catholics to sacrifice for piety.

And thus it came to pass. In an orgy of violence and human sacrifice, Underlord emerges as the voice of Asgard in Midgaard. No longer dismissed as a madman, none can deny that Hugin and Munin whisper to him in his sleep. Let the meek tremble! Let the world run red with blood! Ragnarok approaches, and the armies of the faithful will exact a toll for the legions of Asgard from the armies of mortals!

ALL GLORY TO FYLKIR UNDERLORD!

The pieces are nearly in place! But will the valkyries carry Underlord off to Asgard before he cements his victory? Find out next update!

 

[Jaedar]

I like this thread, despite its danishness.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I bought the old gods dlc because you make it look goofy as fuck and I love me some goofy as fuck games.

Carry on.

 

[Ulminati]

I bought the old gods dlc because you make it look goofy as fuck and I love me some goofy as fuck games.

Carry on.

The goofiness is mostly due to the fact that Underlord is a lunatic. That occasionally leads to some delightfully hilarious events.


I have another 300-or-so screenshots to sort through. Let's just say things get better, then they get worse. Oh, they get so much worse.

 

[Azira]

It was a lovely runestone. :manly tear:

 

[Andyman Messiah]

The goofiness is mostly due to the fact that Underlord is a lunatic. That occasionally leads to some delightfully hilarious events.

Excellent. I always prefer to make the most awful human beings ever.

 

[CappenVarra]

Suitably entertaining; too bad about that whole "Denmark" angle, but what can you do?

 

[Azira]

Too bad this LP will be abandoned soon though, just as his Generation Xth LP.

 

[Ulminati]

This LP is waiting on page 2. The gen XTH is waiting on bee. Neither is abandoned.

 

[Undead Phoenix]

Looks as abandoned to me as a bairn in a cardboard box on the side of the M1.

 

[Azira]

You do realise you need 4 more replies than just this, afore we reach page 2, right?

 

[Jaedar]

Lets have another page then

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

Bump.

 

[exe]

more bump

 

[Azira]

Well OK, here, have Bump-girl: