Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast?

Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast? Here's What You Need To Do

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch -- or several.

The Question

Hi Dating Nerd,

Things are going really well with this new girl I’m seeing. Maybe a little bit too well. It’s like a month in, and she wants to start apartment hunting together, and I’ve met her parents, and, basically, she’s acting like we’ve been together for years. While I can totally see her being The One, I’m also concerned that maybe we’re moving too fast. So I want to slow things down a bit. But I’m also concerned about hurting her feelings by telling her that I’m uncomfortable with how things are going. What should I do?

- Worried Wesley

The Answer

Hi Worried Wesley,

Tell your new girlfriend how you feel. It’s absolutely crucial that you share important concerns about this new relationship, or any relationship. Clamming up and hiding your feelings won’t make them go away. It also won’t guarantee that reality will bend towards your unspoken desires. Say something.

You’re absolutely correct that you might hurt your new girlfriend by suggesting that you put the brakes on your love affair. Chances are, she’s really happy about how things are going and is enjoying the fact that you two are on this dramatic rollercoaster together, accelerating into the future.

But you should tell her anyway. Unfortunately, one of the things that makes relationships hard is that there’s no guarantee you won’t hurt your partner. Throughout any romance of significant length, you’re going to have many important conversations that decide the direction of your time together. Conversations about heavy topics, like monogamy, finances, marriage, and so on. Each time you talk with your significant other about the big picture, it’s possible that you’ll have different pictures in mind. That doesn’t make the process any less necessary.

Moreover, I think you’re really smart to want to take things slow. It’s my default recommendation, not just for you, but for anyone. Making the relationship too serious early on is usually a mistake. Sure, we all know people who moved in together after two weeks after meeting on an online dating site and are still going strong. That does happen. But doing that kind of thing is a gamble, and the odds aren’t particularly good.

And there’s a simple reason why: being in the early stages of love is like being drunk. Basically, for a very short period of time, you’re just totally cranked on the most delicious brain chemicals available. All the good stuff, like dopamine—y’know, the chemical that makes cocaine feel good—and adrenaline, and other heady substances. While you’re in that heady period, your judgement is impaired, in a really really fun way. You can’t stop picturing your future with your new lover. Maybe you’re going to surprise her on her birthday with a trip to Ibiza, or climb a mountain together, or whatever. Her name falls out of your mouth in every conversation you have, regardless of whether you’re talking about her. If you’re the kind of person who wants to breed, you imagine your good-looking children. Etcetera.

But, to extend the drunkenness metaphor, you should enjoy this period of intoxication, but you should also be really careful that you’re not doing anything stupid. Right now, you have a wildly distorted picture of your new partner. You’re seeing all the best parts of her, and you’re not irritated by any of her verbal tics yet, or getting tired of your sexual routines, and, last and most important, you haven’t been through your first relationship fight. This is not to say that you’re on the verge of hating your girlfriend, or anything. You just haven’t yet seen the real person underneath the radioactive glow of new love. And you should definitely meet that more three-dimensional human being before you make any really big moves.

This is a lesson that I learned the hard way. Jillian was made for me, I thought. Like, I was pretty sure she would save my life, and she had the same feeling about me. We were completely different, but we complimented each other really well. She was a put-together professional with a fantastic career, and I was turned on by how sharp and ruthless she was. I was a sloppy, scatterbrained young artist, and she liked me for all of the weird things I said, and my sensitivity, for some reason.

Immediately, we acted like we were married. She introduced me to her mother a month in, and told her I was the man she’d finally been waiting for—while I was there, at the dinner table, in front of her. In turn, I spent a significant amount of my meagre funds on random gifts for her. We were totally inseparable, absolutely devoted, and completely convinced that we would stay together forever.

Well, that didn’t quite work out. It turned out that, while our differences made us fascinated by each other, they also posed real problems—I found her insane professional schedule oppressive, and she didn’t like the fact that I didn’t have any money. Also, when the rush of our initial attraction started to die out, our conversations started getting awkward and stilted—weirdly enough, we were kind of bored. And when we finally broke up, it was rough. I was relieved, but also sad that I had invested so much, so quickly, in what turned out to be sort of a sham relationship. And, since I had told absolutely everyone I knew that I was going to marry her, I had to break the news, to about 250 people, that my fairytale romance had a twist ending.

Now, I hope your relationship doesn’t go the same way. It is my sincere hope that you stay in love until you die, and all of your friends are envious of your love, and your kids are free of horrible genetic diseases, and so on. However, you should be prepared for that not to be the case. You should be cautious.

So how do you have this conversation? The most important thing, as in all relationship conversations, is that you communicate in a nuanced way. When you tell her that you want to take things slow, you have to make it clear that this isn’t because you don’t want to date her anymore, or because you think a future together is impossible. And you should spend as much time listening as talking. Don’t just tell her what you want and expect her to agree. Ask her about why she thinks things are moving so fast, and whether you can reach some sort of compromise and settle on a rate of change that you’re both happy with. Basically, start having the kind of conscientious, reasonable relationship you want, right now.

Think you could use some dating help, too? Email the Dating Nerd at [email protected].