So what have you got for me today?
Haemorrhoids.


You want to give me haemorrhoids?  I thought we'd spoken about this...
Eh, what, oh no.  I meant a mod about haemorrhoids.


Seriously?
Well you're looking at the mod page so yeah.  And it even has a backstory.


Oh dear...
It's pretty simple really.  Back when Vault Tec where testing the cryochambers out for any side effects, they used chimpanzees as test subjects.  All the vitals came back normal, and they were considered a success.  What they should have used is a gorilla.

Gorillas are the only other animal apart from a humans that suffer from haemorrhoids, and by using a gorilla they would have discovered that they caused haemorrhoids from as little as 5 minutes use.  The player has been on ice for over 200 years, so...


So apart from giving the player virtual haemorrhoids, what does this do?
It gives you a pain in the arse.

After the haemorrhoids have been active for an hour, it gives a chance of having either an Ass Attack or Anal Seepage every 6 to 30 game minutes, which will appear as a notification.

Ass Attacks cause a spasm which aggravates the haemorrhoids.  This will reduce your charisma and agility by 1.  If you're charisma or agility is 1 or less then the Ass Attack will trigger Roid Rage.  Roid Rage instead inflicts 10 damage to you.

Anal Seepage, is another effect that can happen, and can also be triggered by sitting down.  Anal Seepage will deduct 1 charisma each time it happens.  If charisma is 1 or less, then you contract Crotch Rot.  It causes a slime between your legs and over your groin, and every 6 to 30 game minutes will cause you to take 10 damage.

Both of them can be triggered by taking damage (10% chance of either happening), or even just sitting down (20% chance).


That sounds like a...
Go on, say it...


No.  So if even sitting can cause this, how do you avoid it?
With special items of course.  There's the Arse Hole, Moist Wipes, Izal toilet paper, and Anal Farmacia iqoniq's Soothing Treatment.


You just wanted an excuse to make a reference to anal fisting didn't you?
And I make no apologies.


*sigh*  I suppose you better explain them.
OK, so they can all be crafted in the Chemical Workbench, where you'd find the stimpaks and all that.  Using them will restore any lost charisma and agility.

The Arse Hole is basically a life preserver you sit on, and acts as an anti-pressure cushion.  When you sit down you have a 20% chance to have Anal Seepage or an Ass Attack.  Having an Arse Hole negates the chances of this happening.

Anal Seepage and Crotch Rot can be cured by using Moist Wipes.  These clear up the immediate problem, but it could come back the next time your haemorrhoids get aggravated.

Anal FIST is basically a kind of Prep H.  It soothes the haemorrhoids, and cures any damage done by Ass Attacks.  It has the additional benefits of acting for 12 hours so you won't have to worry about Ass Attacks or Anal Seepage, even in combat.

Izal is the worst torture known to man(1).  It's a toilet paper that's waxed on one side (to smear it around), and rough sandpaper on the other sides (to remove delicate skin).  It's used to break even the most hardened criminals, and even the threat of making them use Izal is enough to have them singing like a canary.  They even used to make schoolchildren in the UK use it(2).  Apart from people who were members of certain communities, Izal was something to be avoided like the plague.  It also has the magical property of of excising haemorrhoids(3) completely painlessly, or something also known as the uninstaller, but more on that in a moment.

When the mod starts you will have a holotape added called Professional Haemorrhoid Simulator Control.


What's the control holotape?
That is where you start the mod, and then you can pause/unpause the mod, reset the mod (and all penalties), turn it on and off totally, or even summon the cheat holotape!

The cheat holotape is pretty self explanatory, and it gives you things.  There's also an option to disable/enable the Crotch Rot effect so that it doesn't fire up from Anal Seepage.  Oh, and I mustn't forget the other option.  I'll leave that between you and your conscience...


Up top there was something in big scary letters about special instructions?
Yeah, although the mod doesn't autostart any more as such, it's probably still relevant.  The mod still fires up on install, but only adds the control holotape to you, before exiting the quest.  It's then left up to you when to start the mod after you get the Pip Boy.  Originally the mod would fire up before you'd even got inside the vault, and could kill you if you took your time.

If updating from 1.0/1.1 to 1.15+ it's recommended to uninstall the previous version.  USE IZAL, save the game, remove the mod, reload accepting the missing mod, do a save, and then install the new version.  This is purely down to the control terminal script changing name (explained why Notepad++ didn't pick up the CK edit and reload), and mod managers may react differently in regards to removing the obsolete script during a "hot" update.  There's nothing to stop you updating without installing, but it's just neater to uninstall before.  This affects only 1.0/1.1 users.

If you decide to uninstall the mod, once again, use the Izal Uninstaller.  There is a quest that is constantly running in the background (it's mostly waiting for stuff to happen),  as well as other little things going on.  If you don't use the uninstaller the quest will stay baked in your save file.  On using it all debuffs are removed, any items related to the mod are removed from your possession, and the quest is stopped.  Once you get the message telling you to uninstall, then you can save the game and remove the mod.


Any conflicts or known issues?
Conflicts, potentially.  If you're using something like cheat terminal to boost your SPECIAL, or anything that tracks agility and/or charisma, there's the potential to artificially inflate them or screw up PHS.  When it comes to Cheat Terminal, the solution is to simply not mess with the SPECIAL values while you're not under the effect of Anal FIST.  Say you start with 10 agility (or charisma), and get down to 2 agility, and then alter that value in Cheat Terminal, when you use AnalFist PHS will just add the value back, so if you rinsed and repeated times 10, you'll end up adding 80 onto the stat when you finally use the cure.  Anything that tracks and tops up stats will need to be stopped.  I'm looking at ways of addressing this at some point in the future.

When sitting, you may find you have multiple Ass Attacks/Anal Seepage in quick succession.  Some furniture fires multiple events, and while I've tried to minimise this happening, it still has a very low chance of happening.  There are also certain things that act as "seats" such as Power Armor.  I've tried to filter it out (I check for a keyword), but anything that acts as a chair and has the keyword will cause it as well.


HELP!  I've lost the control holotape!
Oh, you silly goose, you.  Do not fret however as this can be fixed.  First of all you need to open the console and type the following...

help hs_mainquest 4

This will show the quest along with an 8 digit ID.  Now type...

SetStage xxxxxxxx 5

Where xxxxxxxx is the quest ID.  This will cause the quest to restart (all debuffs will remain) and will also give you another copy of the holotape.


So is that it?
I'd like to state that this mod is not intended to mock or belittle anyone that suffer from haemorrhoids or any illness that causes the above.  I know someone who suffers from the above (hence the symptoms) and it can have a serious effect on his quality of life.  There but for the grace of God, and all that.  It's just having a bit of juvenile fun and my friend even laughed when I told him, so please don't be offended.

Anyway love/hate/perform bizarre experiments on it.


Footnotes
1: This is actually a real world product. 


2:  This is also true.
3: It's that rough, you could probably sand them away, but that would probably be messy and painful.