I am in a meeting with colleagues from the IT department. We are discussing a new procedure, the steps one should take to get something done. Their proposal is as follows.
A person sends a request via email. We reply to them with a form to fill in. They do so, print the document and sign at the bottom. Then they scan it and send it back to us via email.
I argue that we should use an online form instead. A remark that draws laughter. “You must be new here,” someone laughs. “That will never be approved.” I am not new. I have been here for 10 years, longer than most people in this room. But I haven’t given up. Yet.
I am a civil servant of the European Union. A so-called Eurocrat. I work at the European parliament, that place where Nigel Farage tears into politicians with hard-to-pronounce names. It employs several thousand people from all corners of the EU at three main sites and 29 satellite offices. We use 24 different languages, of which I speak three.
The European parliament is a great place to work if the idea of an employer not driven by profit appeals to you. Before joining I worked in the private sector for over a decade. And for a couple of years I had my own business. It taught me that I am at heart not an entrepreneur. I feel the EU is – for all its flaws – a worthwhile project to which to contribute.
With this in mind, I signed up to the European personnel selection office. Typically fewer than 5% make it through the entrance exams and even fewer get hired. I studied hard to secure my spot on the list from which institutions such as the parliament and the European commission recruit their staff. When I got hired, it instilled in me a sense of pride that no other employer has given me. I had never worked in a place whose core values I could so unambiguously embrace.
Urban legend has it that Eurocrats make boatloads of money, pay no taxes and do nothing all day. This is only partially true. Our pay scales are available online and, while we are no bankers, we are well paid. I have job security, health insurance and a nice pension to look forward to. As we pay community tax at an EU level, our salary is exempt from national income tax but we do pay all other taxes.
I am lucky to find myself in this position but often wonder whether I am trapped in a gilded cage. I feel as if I have one hand tied behind my back the entire time. There is so much more I could do but am not allowed. That online form we need? I could build that. But they won’t let me because that is not my role.
Silos happen in every large organisation. But it goes beyond that. This place can be very tribal. People build their fiefdoms and defend them with vigour. Some are happy to have a few things to call their own, others are out to build empires. Few of them seem to build bridges.
As you navigate the fractured map of responsibilities, it is easy to step on toes. When you have an idea, people are lining up to tell you it is not your job to do this or that. The few times I have got into trouble, it was because I did more than I am allowed to. In every one of those occasions I got a stern talking-to with a side order of shouting. My work was thrown out, even when – at least in some cases – it had received great reviews.
You don’t get fired here though. Which means that people who have had too many of their ideas crushed sometimes check out entirely. They build a wall of apathy around themselves to protect their mental health. They give up. When I first joined, I loathed those people. I could not understand why some colleagues would be so blatantly unproductive when clearly they have more potential.
Now I get it. There are so many days when I feel that despite my best efforts I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing. I don’t battle with full-on depression but I find it difficult sometimes to keep this place from bringing me down.
Despite all its flaws, I still believe in the EU project. The European parliament is on the whole a great employer. I have smart colleagues and I believe that together we can make a meaningful difference.
I’m reluctant to admit this but among my co-workers the UK’s EU referendum is barely a talking point. It is seen as a power struggle within British politics. The reasoning goes that the big challenges are easier to tackle when working together. Everybody assumes that people will recognise that and vote to remain in the EU. For most, any other outcome is unfathomable.
I hope the UK will stay with us for the same values that got me into this job in the first place: human dignity, freedom, democracy, equality, the rule of law and respect for human rights. Nobody is saying the EU is perfect. Our democracy itself is rife with flaws, so it should come as no surprise that this supra-national extension cobbled on to it is more of the same. I’m all for sticking it to the man but whom are you really sticking it to when you vote to leave?
For me, to be a Eurocrat is to constantly doubt myself. Am I here for the right reasons? Am I doing the right thing? Am I trying to do my part, small as it may be, in the project of the EU? To contribute to something that is bigger than myself and have work that is meaningful? Or am I just an overpaid bureaucrat who collects a pay cheque every month while watching the world burn on my television screen?
I know which one I want to be. But despite being certain about the EU, I’m no longer certain which one I am.