Britain is so full that there’s no room for Noel Edmonds

An important intervention in the immigration debate this week, as Noel Edmonds turns scientific. “Just tried to get somewhere,” he revealed. “Allowed loads of time but abandoned journey. Am I alone in thinking Britain is full?”

Not alone – though it must be said there are those who would argue that Britain is overfull, given that Noel is in it.

Still, the exact same thing once happened to Nigel Farage, I believe – and I love that both Nige and Nolly will never utter the words: “Look, I’ll level with you – I’m hungover and I overslept.” Either it’s migrant automobiles clogging up the M4, or someone’s trying to assassinate them. Wait – I forgot about electrosmog. It could be electrosmog.

That said, Noel has long been touchy about the movement of people. Speaking of his then Devon property, he once majestically informed the Guardian: “It’s worth a lot more because it’s the largest estate in England without a public right-of-way across it.”

Happily for him, one prominent ally on the fullness question eventually revealed himself. “No, you are not alone Noel,” replied his friend Duncan Bannatyne, the Dragons’ Den star last seen posting a somewhat ill-received picture of himself kissing his Uzbek girlfriend Nigora.

But hang on. Wouldn’t the most elegant solution to the problem be to project this snap, and pretty much any one of Noel, on to the White Cliffs of Dover? It’s only a thought, but the UK Border Agency is invited to get in touch to discuss the idea at its earliest convenience.