In these bizarre times, one of the few things we can count on is the 1980s-era romantic comedy. There are so many gems to choose from, but today we’re going in on the 1988 Julia Roberts classic Mystic Pizza. Let’s hit play, shall we?
The opening credits to this movie include some of the most bonkers-terrible attempts at Photoshop I have ever seen. Truly, truly epic.
Wedding! Julia Roberts’s Daisy and her sister, Kat, are in frilly pink monstrosities. I realize I filed these away in my head long ago as the archetypal bridesmaid dresses to the point where I was pleasantly surprised when my best friend got married and told me I could wear whatever I wanted.
The bride, Jo—also known as Nate’s annoying wife, Lisa, from Six Feet Under—is marrying a young Vincent D’Onofrio, who my straight roommate assures me is “so hot.” Hotness aside, Lisa can’t seem to handle it because she passes out during the vows.
At the titular Mystic Pizza, Daisy and Kat are working up a storm. Daisy’s hair deserves its own credit for this film because it is enormous and glorious, and I am desperate to know what kind of products the hair department used on it.
Ah, the shoreline of Mystic. Kat is heading down to the docks on her adorable little moped, and we learn she’s going to Yale in the fall and works a ton of jobs to be able to afford tuition. (Steer clear of Rory Gilmore, Kat! She’s a horrible rich kid in disguise! Remember how awful she was to Marty? Okay, I digress.)
Kat interviews to be a babysitter for a man I can only identify as Hot Dad, whose wife is off somewhere nonspecific in England. He’s a Yale alum and clearly kind of a creep, but also charming? It’s hard to be a teenage girl.
Daisy, Jo, Vincent D’Onofrio, and their friends head to a dive bar to play pool, and all my roommates and I can talk about is how badly we want to be throwing back beers in a bar like that again.
Rude preppy kids have infiltrated the townie bar, and you know they suck because they order white wine. In one of the all-time-greatest scenes on film, Daisy totally owns them at the pool table, and they flounce off in disgust. Go, Daisy!
Why did everyone dress so badly in the late ’80s? I called my mom to ask, but she didn’t answer.
Back at home, Daisy has spent $160 (a lot, even today!) on a truly upsetting dress:
Kat and Hot Dad are growing closer, which truly bums me out, despite his hotness. Ew.
The gals hang out at the docks, drink beer, and talk about their futures, which literally sounds like a perfect night to me (unless going to the dive bar was an option).
It just occurred to me what Hot Dad looks like: a scientist in a porn film.
OMG, a rich, preppy guy from the bar is courting Daisy! He meets her mom, which doesn’t go great, but there are still vibes there.
Of course Rich Guy has a red convertible. Of course. He’s taking “time off” from law school, as Rich Guys love to do.
Another iconic Daisy scene: The aforementioned red convertible breaks down, and she hitchhikes in her dumb $160 dress.
Hot Dad brings his kid to see Kat give a lecture at the planetarium. (Oh, I forgot to mention, she’s an aspiring astronomer.) I think when I first watched this movie, I was rooting for Hot Dad and Kat, but now—as a woman of seasoned age and experience—I just want her to run from this married older man.
Heh, the pizza girls are hanging out at the shop and shit-talking “tourists.” Love it.
The girls encourage Mystic Pizza’s owner, Leona, to try “designer pizza,” but she’s against it. Smart woman—do we really ever need $30 pizza when dollar slices exist?
Still thinking about how right Leona is to turn up her nose at goat cheese. It simply does not belong on pizza. In a salad? A sandwich? Sure, but not on pizza.
Is Hot Dad getting a divorce from his never-seen wife? Watch this space.
Daisy gives Kat condoms. Scandal!
God, I want a “Slice of Heaven” T-shirt like the ones the girls wear so badly.
Daisy straightens her hair, presumably to look preppier and more wealthy for the benefit of Rich Guy, and they totally have sex. Also, he got kicked out of law school for cheating.
Jo and Vincent D’Onofrio continue to hook up under the watchful eye of a light-up Jesus, which, believe it or not, does not appear to have an aphrodisiac effect. Will these two crazy kids make it work?
Immortal line from Jo: “I don’t have to marry an asshole. It’s the ’80s.”
Oh noooooo, I totally forgot about this part: Daisy sees Rich Guy’s car at the bar when he claimed he was visiting his grandmother and goes totally nuts. She fills it with live fish, as you do.
Rich Guy turns out to be at the bar with his sister for totally legit reasons, and he’s weirdly not even that mad that Daisy filled his car with fish? I feel like that would give me pause.
Kat bails on a shift, preventing Daisy from meeting Rich Guy’s parents, and they have a very mean and realistic sisterly fight.
Just as Kat and Hot Dad start to k-i-s-s, his long-absent wife returns from England. Kat is heartbroken, and as someone who had a dormant crush on every mom I ever nannied for, I get it!
A fancy restaurant reviewer shows up at Mystic Pizza, and everyone is anxious, including me, someone who has seen this fictional movie a dozen times
Rich Guy’s rich parents are, unsurprisingly, rude as hell to Daisy about her job in food service and her Portuguese heritage. Rich Guy sticks up for her, but she dips out anyway because she respects herself.
Hot Dad gives Kat a bunch of money for Yale, which is the least his creepy ass can do!
OMG, the food critic gives Mystic Pizza a rave! Even Leona is happy.
Jo and Vincent D’Onofrio finally tie the knot with no fainting, and Daisy and Rich Guy patch it up. All’s well that ends well, and now I really want pizza.