The owner of Rainbows, with its multi-coloured sundaes and vegan-friendly cones, has an icy retort for Which? magazine after it labelled Bognor Regis the 96th best – or joint worst – seaside town in Britain.
As her assistant twirled light blue frozen candyfloss over domes of Skittles-flecked vanilla ice cream, Jo Millen suggested the consumer guide should stick to judging household products.
“Which? should just keep advising us about the washing-machine that we should buy rather than grade the negative views about Bognor from people on the internet,” she said.
“How many of the people who voted in their survey actually have been in Bognor recently? I think TripAdvisor would be a fairer guide about what the town is really like. About 50% of my customers come from Butlin’s [resort] nearby and they keep coming back. They love this place because they tell me they do!”
Bognor Regis came bottom of the survey alongside the similarly derided Clacton-on-Sea, 150 miles north-east in Essex. Millen opened Rainbows just over a year ago and said she was well used to Bognor being the butt of jokes.
“We might not have the crowds of Blackpool or Brighton but on a sunny day at least you can get a space on the beach here” she said.
Bognor Regis is reportedly the sunniest corner of the south coast but shoppers, students from nearby Chichester University and even a few tourists were taking shelter from the deluges.
At his Unique Promotions Printing & Embroidery shop Paul Wells said the Which? league table ignored recent major investments.
“Bognor was one of the three original resorts where Butlin’s was first established and only recently they have invested £40m here including a state-of-the-art swimming pool,” he said.
“Combine that with a multi-million-pound new hi-tech park and student accommodation here to serve Chichester University and you have several massive votes of confidence in Bognor Regis’s future.”
One of his employees Jeanette Warr served three times as mayor of Bognor Regis. Taking a break from selling customers balls of knitting wool and printed T-shirts, Warr said she moved to Bognor 41 years ago from Surrey and “never regretted it for a single moment”’
Warr added: “The people here are homely, welcoming and a little quirky so they will get over whatever this survey says about Bognor. They can’t say there is nothing to do here.
“As well as strolling around the promenade and easily getting a spot on the beach visitors have got the Goodwood racecourse only a few miles away as well as other close attractions like Arundel Cathedral.”
But as he swept the detritus and excess rainwater away from shopfronts inside the Edwardian Bognor Regis Arcade area, 21-year-old street cleaner Oliver Penfold said there was a “darker side to Bognor” beyond the tourist traps.
“I’ve been cleaning the streets here for two and a half years and I’ve noticed that things are getting worse. There are more homeless people and more gangs of thugs roaming about trying to act hard,” he said.
“I’m glad I don’t have to work nights as I would not feel safe out on Bognor’s streets once it’s dark. I suspect police cuts haven’t helped and I think more random stop and search would help make the place a bit safer but then every seaside town has got similar problems like these.”
On the seafront itself there are symbols of decay especially Bognor’s pier, which storms and erosion have reduced by 80ft over the last two decades. Close to the pier at Heygates Bookshop, its founder Jason Passingham stressed that despite some signs of neglect and dilapidation, Bognor Regis had a fighting spirit that will survive the jibes.
Surrounded by a quarter of a million books, Passingham said: “There were 7,000 visitors to our museum last year which is staffed solely by volunteers. The results of the Which? survey are a kick in the teeth to those good people but we will all get over it. Yes, we do lack indoor attractions and the type of facilities they have across in Brighton but we make up with that with a big heart.”
Back on London Road a lone busker was braving the rain by strumming the opening chords of the Eagles’ classic song Hotel California with its final verse warning that “You can check out any time you like/ But you can never leave.” Those lines seemed apposite for critics and lovers alike of the often-maligned Sussex seaside resort.